The Darkness of Despair
by Tzlil-the-Librarian
Summary: In which Remus Lupin comes across a depressed Sirius Black at Grimmauld Place.


_Authors Note: Just a quick little thing that was tumbling around in my brain after reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. This is set during the time that Sirius is all cooped up and Harry is off at school, after he's been given the mirror by Sirius. _

_I don't own it, I'm just playing!_

The Darkness of Despair

Remus Lupin entered Grimmauld Place with a sigh of relief to finally be out of the cold, wet rain. It was quickly replaced with a sigh of frustration when Kreacher refused to tell him where Sirius was and threatened to pull the curtains off of the noisy portrait. After considering a trip to the kitchen for a cup of tea, he wearily pulled himself up the stairs, intent on changing into something warm and dry. He hesitated before Sirius's door when he heard a soft noise from within. It was hanging a few inches open, but no light was shining out into the dim hallway. He had helped clean it himself, so he knew it wouldn't be a nasty little critter, and though the possibility of an intruder was unlikely, he wasn't going to take that risk. Pulling his wand out of his pocket, he carefully opened the door and peered into the darkness.

What he saw surprised him. Lupin lowered his wand at the sight of Sirius, head in his hands, huddled in the corner of the room. As Lupin hastily stepped back, a flicker of light shone off of something, a small silver mirror, lying next to the other man's foot, and Sirius looked up, his face still hidden in shadows.

"Hello, Remus. I hope your mission was successful?"

Ignoring the question, he quietly entered the room to sit next to his friend, leaning his tired muscles into the wall behind him before settling into a comfortable position on the hard floor. Sirius didn't turn away, but he made no move to explain himself.

"Sirius, are you alright?"

The soft words filled the space between them, and hung there, not needing an answer. Shifting slightly, Lupin felt something on the floor next to his hand, and picked it up. In the darkness he could barely discern the figures in the picture, but he didn't have to. He knew that his own smiling, young face was there, next to a handsome, waving Sirius, as Lilly and James snogged in the foreground, and Wormtail stuck his tongue out at the two of them in mock disgust.

"Why couldn't we have stayed like that? Why did you-know-who have to ruin things?" Sirius said; his voice low and broken.

"I don't know."

Lupin frowned and scooted closer to his old friend, awkwardly patting his shoulder. Sirius leaned into his touch with a quiet sigh, and the two men sat together, absorbed in their own private thoughts. Lupin had been worried about Sirius; he knew the man resented being cooped up in the house while the others went on important, and often dangerous missions. Sirius hated the house, hated the inactivity and isolation, and it usually made him sullen and irritable. Seeing him so quiet and resigned scared Lupin. After a moment he decided to act.

"I'm going to light the fire."

"No." said Sirius firmly.

Sirius abruptly shifted away from him. With a flick of his wand, the door slammed shut, leaving them in total darkness. After a moment, Sirius explained himself, his voice a soft, haggard whisper.

"The darkness reminds me of Azkaban. It was overwhelming. Thick. It was the only relief from the dementors. I thought I was going to live in the darkness forever. I might as well have stayed there; I'm not doing any good here."

"Don't say that. You know it isn't true."

"Look at me, Remus. I'm useless! I'm a liability. I can't even be there for Harry when he needs me."

Reaching out into the darkness and finding Sirius' shoulder, Lupin moved closer, wrapping his arms around his friend.

"But you are helping Harry, Sirius, just by being here. Just by opening up your home to the Order, by sending him owls, being his godfather. He knows you're here for him."

"I wish I could be more. I wish I didn't have to be more. Damn him. Damn that monster for killing Lily and James, Harry deserves to have his parents!"

Lupin didn't bother wiping away the tears that began to slide down his face; instead he rocked into Sirius; holding him tight as he came undone with grief and despair.

"Let it out. Sirius, it's alright."

"It's not fair, it's just not fair. That monster. He's ruined everything. It hurts so badly. The dementors were kind, they took away your love, your hate, and they were cold and clinging and made you feel empty. But this, this hurts! It's more than just sadness and fear. I can't stand it. I don't want Him to hurt Harry. I can't stand even the thought of it. And thinking of James, and Lily, and all he's taken away from me… And there's nothing I can do about it, trapped in this awful, bloody house!"

In the dark silence Lupin cradled Sirius in his arms, as his best friend clung onto him as if his life depended on it. A ragged, low whisper cut through the silence.

"I just want to scream, Remus."

"It's alright Sirius, just let go. You're safe here."

Sirius' chest rose and fell, and then he took a deep breath, and wailed. Lupin was not startled when the solid, hard body in his arms shifted, and he was left with an armful of fur. Instead, he raised his head and added his own howls to his friends, as they mourned what they had lost, what could have been, and what must be.


End file.
